Moving on, without Moving?

Emotionally, I think I am doing quite well handling our loss. I feel like I was open enough with James throughout the pregnancy that I was not alone in understanding the weight of the change and the loss we experienced. His tremendous support and understanding have made the emotional burden bearable. I feel emotionally ready to get up and go do something and enjoy life.

Unfortunately, my body is not rising to the challenge yet. I am very quickly exhausted, requiring amazing amounts of sleep, experiencing muscle and nerve cramps and irritations in random places and random moments throughout the day, fighting persisting headaches and still experiencing cramping. I have an amazing amount of energy, especially mentally, but am unable to do anything about it. Each time I stand from sitting, I begin to black out and when I walk my feet feel as if they’d swollen enough the last few days to have done nerve damage.

I will hopefully speak with my doctor tomorrow to discuss the benefits/downsides of taking the week off of work to heal, and how long this is normal to experience. When I search online I find that it varies hugely person to person, like the pregnancies themselves do, and there is no real guide to know when you will be ready to step it up a knotch.

I’m dealing with the realization that we will have another Christmas without children in our home and there is a chance that the results we will get back will tell us that my body rejected this child, and possibly the last as well, for no reason. I fear this more than anything, as I fear the guilt that will follow – whether or not it is reasonable. These are the challenges I face. At least I know where my children are. I may not know if I have sons or daughters waiting in heaven, but I know that God is providing a wonderful haven for my two children and that provides more comfort than any kind words or explanations.

I find it is hardest to move on when you cannot really move. I look forward to healing physically so that I can.