Only if You Close Your Eyes

I was laying in my bed, a few nights ago, highly alert.  I am the family watchdog, you see.  Hubby is a heavy sleeper and although we do have two pups who’d likely warn me if a stray ant came in, it is the happenings of our little ones that I’m am so focused on.  As I lay in bed, I hear the breathing of hubby, the pups, my son… all in bed with or near me.  I hear the air purifier, the air conditioning, the gentle rhythm of the ceiling fan, the ocassional click of the icemaker downstairs or a pup kicking out their legs.  I listen for a change in son”s breathing, a rustle of fabric in my baby girl’s crib, or anything indicating a need for me to rise up and re-soothe one of them.  The other night, I lay in bed, listening to everyone toss and turn, and my dajghter sigh in hersleep, thinking to myself, “I really really need some sleep!  If they don’t settle, I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow.”  Finally, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t get rest until I rested.  I had to focus on MY breathing, MY pulse, MY muscles.  I had to reposition myself from the best possible position to listen, to one which was more comfy and quiet.  I had to step back and check out.  What a thought!  For 2 and a half years, I’ve worked day and night shifts, feeling obligated to tend to my flock, as awake at possible, 24 hours a day.
I wonder how many mothers, and perhaps even fathers, thrust themselves into that world of non-stop work.  I’m not suggesting that, when my babies awaken crying, I should just let them fend for themselves.  I am only suggesting that until they are crying, it is acceptable to make the most of a quiet situation by “regenerating” (a Borg reference… we watch a lot of star trek while nursing).  I find myself forcing my eyelids to remain open, or my mind to stay alert because I just “know” that one of the munchkins will need me as soon as I settle myself, and a drowsy mother is not as useful.  I suppose this is something that does change in time as a parent… I am realizing that I always awaken when either child cries and adrenaline does the work that I attempt to do on my own as a precaution.  I know, I’m babbling.  Besides the title of my blog, it is what happens after a 1 am feeding…
Last night, in what feels like an epic accomplishment, both children were asleep, in our room, without us, by 9 pm.  Incredible!  We had already agreed to do some knockout cleaning if we could accomplish this, and so we did.  I folded 8 loads of laundry and put away the children’s portion.  I straightened the loft, restocked the kids’ bathroom, cleaned my son’s room, sorted dirty laundry, and all sorts of tiny accomplishments.  By ten, we too were in bed and 1 am being the first feeding seems a treat!  And because I reminded myself that I won’t stop feeling tired unless I finally closed my eyes, I did sleep.
Now, what one does after falling asleep can be another story.  I am involved (if you can call being signed up and intending to eventually attend, “involved”) in several playgroups in my area.  Many of them hold “Mother’s Night Out” events, some of them meeting for coffee, others movie nights or meeting at a bar.  I am, occasionally tempted, but I remind myself that my baby is still counting on me for on-demand feedings and I don’t NEED to get out “alone.”  The other night, I was looking over upcoming events, strongly considering each one, and was tempted to attempt a few hours away, with Baby Girl staying with Poppa and Brother.  Long story, short, I opted not to attend.  That night, I dreampt that I attempted some basic, nearby errands sans children.  It was such a mess!  Runaway shopping carts with wheels falling off, a missing credit card, a card broken in half, long lines, cashier issues, heavy traffic… At each obstacle, I recall explaining that I have a 4 month old at home who is probably famished because of my absence and that I needed to be there.  I awoke with a very determined heart.  I am right where I need to be during this season of life.  That is a good feeling.
Well, Baby Girl has finished her feeding and I have rehydrated as well.  As much as I enjoy the quiet break to journal, I will not feel rested, until I fall asleep, so I’m heading back to bed.  Hopefully, my dreams will be restful and I can take a subconscious break from guarding as well.  The pups and the kids will alert me to a problem.  I need to trust that God’s parenting plan for me is meant to allow me rest as well.  I was right about something in those early days… A drowsy Momma isn’t ideal… I now know that I have at least a little control over that aspect now.  Goodnight all!