Wee Little Fingers, Eyes are Shut Tight

I take a lot of photos. Not as many as I did when my son was first born. They are so much easier to photograph when they can’t squirm out of your arms or crawl away… or, for that matter, run. A startled baby responding to a flash is a completely different creature than a near-toddler literally chasing the camera. Many times my husband and I have said to eachother how happy we are that we purchased a decent shock-proof and waterproof camera. As many times as the little man has pounded it and drooled all over it, we’re completely satisfied with the purchase.

When my parents come to town, or I get a chance to visit them, we generally exchange photos. I get their most recent, and I try to get them mine. This time, it was my in-laws who were in town. I got an opportunity today to trade photos as my little man slept. This is when I found out that there were more photos from my little man’s birthday than I had. Great photos! Photos of him in his bassinet in the hospital nursery. What a big little man I had. Truly, he about filled the bassinet.

This is a little more emotional for me than I had expected. I was fully confident that I could handle a baby. After all, I was preparing to be a mommy for my whole life. It was my dream, my aspiration, my hope. I had trained for it. I had studied for it. I had prayed for it. What I was nervous about was the hospital actually letting me keep him. I had cared for so many children. None went home and stayed home with me. The dread of a house full of tiny footsteps soon to be silent again was still in my gut. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around the simplicity of it… he was ours. God was entrusting him in our care. Oh my gosh!

I haven’t let him out of my sight much. Not because I’m terrified something will happen, though I do worry a tad… but because I utterly adore him. I enjoy being his mother. I wouldn’t mind some more sleep, but I LOVE that I am able to spend so much time nurturing him, teaching him, loving him. I wouldn’t change that for the world. My husband recently bought a car to drive to and from work, with the expectation and hope that it would save him fuel and maintenance. The catch was that it was a two-seater. He loves to take it out, especially if he can take me, but I really prefer to keep our munchkin with me. Instead of thinking of all of the things I could do without him, I think about how truly temporary this situation is… one day I’m going to miss him terribly. Why rush it?

That said, despite being around him for nearly every hour of his life, I still feel like minutes, hours, days even are flying by. Today he took 8 steps. Eight! He stood at the recliner, smiled at me, and confidently walked over. Oh, how proud he looked when he reached my arms. Oh, how proud I was when I saw him succeed! My little dude is on a roll. He sits and eats with me, totally in control of his sippee straw cup, feeding himself, only relying on me to spoon him his veggies. And that is probably less because of his skills and more because of my fear of having what baby food we do buy end up all over our home.

He is so independant. He fights sleep as though he’ll never be allowed to wake again, does not like assistance, but wants me constantly available if he decides he needs me. He is such a little man. And yet, he is only 9 months old. Looking at photos of him in his basinet, big but tiny all at once, it makes me emotional.

I held my little dude the other night and was massaging him and when my hand came to rest on his little tummy I was awed. How big a boy I have, and yet how small. Only God could create such complex little things! And what an amazing job He did on my boy! Thank you God!

We have successfully survived day 2 (or 1.5) of Poppa Bear being at training. I stayed in my pajamas most of the day, not anticipating going outside. We played, we straightened up, we planned, we played. The little munchkin didn’t sleep much, but that is normal. Last night was a challenge for me. He slept normally, but I was physically unable (it felt like it, I swear) to sleep with my back to the door for the longest time. I slept facing the door until my neck was so cramped I had to change. I was anxious, being the sole protector of my little munchkin. I ran over in my head whether the door was locked, whether the windows were secure. Ridiculous really, of course to all of the above. I tell you, an intruder wouldn’t stand a chance with the adrenaline that goes hand in hand with being a mommy.

Thankfully, we have family in town who are stopping by periodically to give me a hand and check in on things. This, I appreciate very much. Additionally, my neighbors are always on alert when something is different and I have 24 hour a day support if I need it. I am blessed.

Now, the little man is asleep, this time in my bed, on one side of me. The puppies are curled up on the other. Instead of claiming one side of the bed tonite, it seems I’m sleeping right in the middle. I feel much better having the whole family in one spot, and must admit, I’m ready for hubby to be home. As I told my father-in-law earlier, I have never missed my pistol as much as last night.]

Goodnight to you all. I figure I have to sleep eventually, I can’t just stay awake until the sun comes up. I was sleep deprived before hubby left… now I’m over the line. But it’s worth it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Besides, when I hear snoring, I can’t hear all of the other little things that could be a sign of trouble, right? 😉 I fear that I am beginning to babble, so I’m off.

… Now fast asleep.. until morning light…