Hold Me Close

For a couple who has learned to appreciate having a king sized bed for two folks and two pups, we sort of suprised ourselves by opting to cosleep with our son.  Initially, it was because we lived in a camper and having him in our room otherwise was not possible.  Then, it was because the only way to get him to stay asleep was to be near him.  Eventually, we were excited that he could sleep in his own room when we bought a house.  I slept poorly having the gentle sounds of his breathing replaced by the obnoxious buzz and light of a baby monitor.  He slept poorly, not being able to reach out for one of us through the night.  He began to have night terrors, which many consider normal and acceptable, and then began to fear his room.   Even playing in there was out of the question and he would break down, shaking and sobbing if he was pushed.  We graduated from frightened wakings and returns to our bed to just starting off together.

Now, there aren’t just the three of us and the pups.  Now, we have Baby Sister as well.  She doesn’t snuggle up as well as her brother had.  She sleeps best in my arms, rocking and seldom falls asleep nursing in bed.  When she first came home, she’d fall asleep sprawled and relaxed even during diaper changes.  Now that she is more alert and interested, she need more convincing to go down.  We started her off in a by-the-bed cosleeper and recently moved her into her crib, in our room.  This ensures she is fairly protected once she’s put down, and we can deal with bedtime routines and whatnot.

Regardless of our plans, it seems we’ve become a happy cosleeping family.  Big Brother gets carried into bed with me and promptly snuggles up on one half of MY pillow (despite having his own), with legs tossed over mine and the back of his head nuzzled under my chin.  He takes my hand and wraps my arm around him like a seatbelt and I tell him I love him, and he tells me “did-do momma” (which translates to yes momma or an agreement.)  During nap, I’m not allowed to touch him, but the more of him that can be snuggled up to me during bedtime, the better he sleeps.

At sunrise, regardless of when the last feeding was, Little sister stirs and expects cuddles too.  Big Brother is scooted, I slide into bed, sandwiched between them and the snuggles continue.  She wants a nursing and goes back to sleep and he snuggles his head up to the back of my neck and wraps his arm around me.  And I’m in heaven.

I’ve always been affectionate.  Be it hand-holding, cuddles, a hug… I thrive on being held.  Something about it makes me feel safe, precious, loved.  My hubby isn’t really a hugger.  He’ll build me anything, cook for me, stuff like that.  Ultimately, we have different love languages.  In a chapter of our life together, where I’m exhausted, and could easily be more so (running laps between kids’ bedrooms all night), this time of calm, close contact is such a blessing!

Don’t get me wrong, I find myself re-positioning Big Brother periodically, I’ve been kicked in the head or stomach, and he still occasionally wakes with night terrors… BUT, his desire to be wrapped up in Momma at bedtime, to want to be held close, to have that time to bond… SO worth it!  Hubby’s gonna have to learn how to cuddle because once the kids grow out of our room, I think Round One of Empty Nest might ensue.  (Heads up, Honey!)  Meanwhile, I’m trying to breathe in every moment, hear every close little breath, feel those tiny heartbeats, and thank God for these, my little blessings!